How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Randomize
