Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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