It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Randomize
