Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
