He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
