Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
