Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
