How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
