I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
