You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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