My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
