This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
