i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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