someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
