Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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