i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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