I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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