Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize