Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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