I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
