I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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