Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
