if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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