careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
