Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
