She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
