I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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