I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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