I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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