Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
