Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
