I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
