Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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