I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm both gender and math confused
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
