If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
