Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
