Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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