I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
well you can't waste a boner
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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