My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
