he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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