operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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