I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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