i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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