did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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