I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
