its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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