she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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