you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Randomize
