Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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