I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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