She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
