worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
