The maid of honor just puked.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
