Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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