Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Randomize
