I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
