He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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