I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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