I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
