I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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