So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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