first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
